When God Answers, It's Okay to Cry
To all my barren friends, friends with infertility, friends who have lost a baby, I get it. I get why we don't talk about it. It only takes two words to express how it feels- IT HURTS. It hurts because I want something so badly and I pray for it. It hurts because I have friends/family/friends of friends pray for me and it still doesn't happen. It hurts because it forces me to face the truth. A baby (or another baby) may not be included in God's plans for me. What a devastating truth I must face. In the fog of holiday celebrations, friends engagements, friends pregnancy announcements, I sit on the other side of the fence. I sit with an aching heart and a questioning spirit. What is it God? What do you want from me? What am I doing wrong? I don't understand WHY? Ahhhh, it quickly enters my mind and heart that so many of us don't understand our situations, our "why". I feel keenly aware of my "why" on earth, but I recently realized, I may be missing God's "why". After all, I'm more focused on me. I'm human. I wish I had the answers to why things happen the way they do. It would sure make my Type A, control freak personality at ease. But, I don't. I never will. The only truth is that God holds our answers and our future. For those wondering, I did take a pregnancy test on Christmas Eve. It was negative. I'm not going to tell you that I stood up with praise to God and smiled all through the day. I didn't. I was angry, sad, frustrated and hurt. I cried and I let God know I was His weeping child. I didn't blame Him though. He knows more than we do. He sees what we can't. He leads us to green pastures. There's no room for anger at Him. I continue to pray He will release me from this desire to grow our family and open my eyes to His answer. It's like I always say, God is good, all the time. And all the time, GOD IS GOOD. God bless, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all.
Love and Hugs always,
Brooke