Here's my heart, Lord

I continue to have moments where I just stand in confusion of what God is doing and what his plan is. I wonder why He hasn't granted me the one desire of my heart that I have placed in His hands. I still cry at times when I realize my destination is unknown. This 2.5 year fertility journey has been just that. A surrender, a release, an acknowledgement that I'm not in control of anything. Four years ago I kept everyone and everything around me in a safe, little box. I felt if I could keep my eyes on everything I would be in control. I would pray and say, "I trust in God" and "God's got this", but I didn't know how to let go and let God. I've struggled with that my entire life. I'm realizing now that God has been fully aware of this, although I felt I could

"hide" it from Him. He knew what was ahead back in October, 2014, when we decided we were ready to have another baby. We had no idea of the road we were about to travel on. Every month the tears would flow when I slowly had to release my grasp on the life I had controlled for so long. This was one thing I couldn't control and my husband couldn't "fix". Ya'll, that hurts so badly. Whether is sickness, cancer, heartache, financial stress, friendships or so many other situations, it's painful. I know this won't be the last situation I will face that I have no control over. I guess one of the biggest questions I keep asking is, "Okay, God, I've learned my lesson. I get it. I've dropped to my knees, I've given it all to you. Why do you still tell me no?". I'll be honest, that's hard to understand. What gets me through is I wake up everyday and I open my eyes to the beauty He has set forth for me. I stand in awe, even through the pain, tears and questions. I stand in awe because He is (in His way) giving me the answers. I'm grateful I had my eyes open and listened. Think about how crazy this is-I have never in my life considered being a foster parent. Seriously, never. Yet, God shifted my heart and my husbands heart to this and we listened. The reality is, we are both scared to death and we truly have absolutely no idea where this will all lead. What we are certain of is, there are children and babies out there who need loving homes to rest their head. Who need care and comfort during the most difficult time of their lives. That's where we come in and God knew all this way before we did. He's just good like that ;).

I'm sharing this story and our journey because I want to be real with ya'll and I know that every trial has a lesson to teach us. This journey has taught me so many life lessons that will carry me through the path that's ahead. I pray that what I'm sharing will help you on your journey, whatever it is and give you the peace to know it's okay to question, struggle and ask God why. At the end of the day, we have to take what He's given us, find the blessings, pray through the pain and love on each other by sharing God's grace. As I sit here today and write these words, I'm certain this is what life is all about.