His plan is greater than mine

This morning I'm reflecting on my faith and the doors that God has opened. I read my devotion this morning and it was spot on. It talked about how the Lord uses affliction to test our faith, teach dependence on Him, develop godly character and spiritual maturity and equip us to comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:4). When I really try to wrap my head around this and apply it to my fertility journey, this is all so very true. The last two years I can see how God has been molding me. As I've struggled every month with not getting pregnant, I have had to lean on Him more. I've finally learned that it's out of my control. I've had to trust God and my faith has grown stronger. I can also see how this journey has equipped me to help others and offer support to so many who struggle with infertility. I can see all of this playing out in my journey. At first, I got really excited thinking about how all of these pieces are unfolding. Then, I became scared. What if this is all God has intended? What if I was meant to have this struggle to endure all these trials and test my faith, but my prayer will never be answered? I'll be honest, that's a scary thought.

I guess that's the way it's supposed to be. We should fear God, but also trust Him. We should question Him and have emotions towards Him...after all, He's our Father. Isn't that the way we raise our children to be? If only it was easier. I wanted to share this with you this morning to let you know one important truth. God is using you and it's all in His time. Romans 5:3-4 says "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." This is an incredible thought. That God our Father is able to take our suffering and trials and use them to mold us. I spent many years thinking that becoming a Christian would make my life easy. That is so backwards though. The reality is, the closer I come to God, the more Satan pursues me. He doesn't want me to prosper or be in God's will. As long as I remember that, I can wear the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18) and I will be protected.

The raw truth is, I've spent the last two years riding a roller coaster. I look at my spiritual journey and it's gone up and down and, curved and twisted and zigged and zagged. I'm not going to pretend I've always been strong in God or that I've never been angry. I've been all of these things and that's okay. I needed to experience every emotion so I could heal and grow in my spiritual maturity. I'm still scared of what's ahead and I wonder if this is all God intended for me. Is this all my journey will include? Will my prayer ever be answered? All I can do is trust Him and know His plan is always greater than mine.