A Heavy Cross, Strong Arms
Monday was the 28th and we officially found out our test was negative. It was extremely difficult to see that test and know we would soon be starting over. I think the strangest part for me was what happened that morning. I mean, I waited 14 days to see this result. I went through so many side effects and withdrew from so many activities I enjoy so I could give this procedure the very best chance. That morning though, I sat in bed and froze with fear of the unknown. It felt more comfortable to "not know" and carry on with the hope than to actually know the answer. It took me about ten minutes to get out of bed and take the test. After 25 months of negative results, I didn't feel confident (at all) with seeing a "positive' result. I knew we had a better chance than ever before and that's what keeps me going. I also know that God is in control and He will always hold my heart. So, I took the test. I cried out to God and then I went and laid by my daughter and remembered all the blessings we have. Yes, God is good.
With all that said, yes, this journey is much more difficult than I imagined. It almost feels cruel to go through this so many times and have such a small chance at getting another sweet baby. I know a lot of people wonder, then, why would someone do that? Why would anyone go through so much physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially? I know for us, we chose to go through this so we will never look back and regret or wonder if it could have worked. We continue on this journey because God has shown us this is where we need to be...right now...today. The tricky part is, that doesn't mean God will answer our prayer, but it does mean He is guiding us and He will hold us through this struggle. There are things we must learn from this and this journey is part of our testimony. So, that's what keeps me going. Am I sad that this round didn't work? Yes, in fact, I'm heart broken. Will I continue to praise God for all His mercy and grace He pours upon us daily...without a doubt!!!! So, today I choose to praise God for all He has done for me, my husband, my daughter and our family. No matter what I'm going through, God wants me to trust Him and put my self pity aside. It doesn't mean I'm not grieving, aching or caring. It simply means I choose to trust Him instead of blame Him. It means I won't let the devil have this day or any day. I will continue on with God's plan and carry His cross with strong arms.